observations

Can you live in this world and not wonder?

try, hard

However hard you try, the need to try hard never ceases.

multiplicity

If multiple personalities get along really well is it still correct to call it a disorder?

tricks vs. treats

Trick-or-treat is out, trick-and-treat is in: spike the sweets with a strong laxative.

hide, better not

There’s a funny game we play, me and her, called “Hide and Sick”. She hides my stuff and I think that’s sick.

horse, ride

I could never ride a horse. My mother told me not to play with food.

big

The bigger you get the more space you take up.

Norweigan winters

A few centuries ago a Norwegian man decided that making it through the winter without any broken bones was just too lame. So he went and invented skis.

engagement ring

The engagement ring: if you’re pretty it’s a stop sign, if you’re ugly it’s the consolation prize.

apples, pick up

Pick up an apple. Pick up another apple. Then pick up yet another apple. Well, why didn’t you pick up all three at the beginning?

creation

Creation initiates use which in turn initiates creation.

languages, learn

He learned to speak 50 percent of every single language in the world; sadly it was the 50 percent that native speakers never use.

route, shortest

Standing at point A, the shortest route from A to B is to make B come to A.

loneliness

Loneliness is a luxury of the mentally sane.

apples and oranges

You can compare apples and oranges, but never assume they are the same.

rings

We've all heard of the engagement ring and the wedding ring, but not many people know that they actually refer to places. In these two places one can practice two very special martial arts.

bike, riding

Nothing is "just like riding a bike"; except riding a bike.

politician

The politician is one of the few "artists" who use the same tools to hurt and to heal.

metaphors

Use metaphors with care. After all, evolution never stops. Some day pigs will fly.

crab

The crab only moves sideways but still manages to get ahead.

wishes

I understand your wishes. Yes, I do. I completely understand them. I never ever forget to consider them. I just never choose to make them come true.

to impress

Short people have an almost unlimited power to impress – everything they do or know they have done or have known ever since they were little.

architects

Will architects in Northern Europe ever distinct between a stairway and a ladder?

eyes and mind

The eyes can see, the mind can think, but only the heart can understand.

roads

The road from 'I ask no one' to 'I have no one' is only too short.

submarines

Until women are allowed on submarines men will be the only members of the mile-deep club.

excuse, poor

A poor excuse that is sufficiently specific is often generously accepted as justified cause.

vegetarians, diet

I like vegetarians. Several of them constitute my daily diet.

idea, brilliant

I had a brilliant idea, but then I heard myself saying it out loud.

hair

Hair is really close to the brain; however, it needs combing at least once a day. Are hairdos really that difficult to remember?

babies

I understand babies completely. I would cry too if milk were my only food.

lion, jungle

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle/The lion sleeps tonight." What is a lion doing in the jungle anyway? Has he gone to sleep in the steppe and it mysteriously grew into a jungle overnight?

phone

When the phone rings – do you pick it up or do you answer it?

languages

The more languages you speak the bigger the writer's block.

According to several surveys there are three genders, not just two as was once believed. When asked to state their sex these answers continue to be pretty consistent in any demographic: male, female and "yes, please".

animal sounds

I love animals. I love those sizzling sounds they make when they touch the pan.

vegetarians, wine

Vegetarians! Fruit flies are drawn to red wine and sometimes they drown. What do you do? What do you do?!

football

Football: too much running on the neatly cut grass can lead to this rather ridiculous physiological disorder as one or both testicles detach from their natural location and slide into the patient's abdominal cavity, and then if the running continues they slide downwards ending up at his feet. If both testicles end up on one foot, this disorder is also known as the off-side.

answers

All the answers are out there but have no real purpose without the questions.

wedding organizer

A wedding organizer has a great many tasks – dressing and color-coordinating the bride, the groom, the bride’s maids and the best man, taking care of the caterer, having the parking under control, keeping the wedding cake safe and cool, and most importantly – fitting steel bars to the bathroom windows.

hand, steady

I know a man with an extremely steady hand. He's a surgeon, actually. If you look at his hand for some time, it seems as if the entire room is shaking. That's how steady it is.

internet, wisdom

The Internet is an infinite source of wisdom when the wise are logged on.

engineering

I guess I'll never be a successful engineer. After looking at the blue prints of a cat-scan for two hours I still couldn’t figure out where to put the cat.

disease

Disease is nature’s way of saying “I don’t like you.”

tasks, mundane

Whenever a mundane task becomes enjoyable you can be quite sure it’s nearing its end, and when the level of joy just about hits rock bottom you can be quite sure another is about to begin.

basketball

Basketball: as a symptom or the consequence of certain illnesses one or both testicles can grow considerably, thus enabling storage of various items, such as the other testicle.

poets

Many great poets compare sex to many beautiful things instead of having it.

dogs, talk

Some people talk to dogs. They actually do. They're convinced that dogs understand them. So, why don't they tell them to shut up and stop shitting on the pavements?

baseball

Baseball: the testicle all other testicles are based on.

egg? chicken?

Scientists have been arguing about the egg and the chicken for so long they completely neglected the real issue – what came first: the cigar cutter or the guillotine.

statues and figures

The statue representing a spokesperson is a figure of speech, right?

cars

It has been said many times that the French car builders copy German cars, but in order to be less obvious they copy older models. That would certainly explain why a brand new French car sounds just like a twenty year old German car.

facelifts

She's had so many facelifts done that by now her fingerprints have been stretched all the way up to her shoulders.

ambidexterity

I'm ambidextrous, but only when I type.

summers, hot

Do not blame God for making summers hot; thank Him for the stuff we can barbecue.

fair treatment

»Accept me for who I am, don't try to change me«, pleaded the chain saw murderer.

experiments

When an experiment is set up perfectly, frequently the results will not match the expectations; rendering the entire attempt useless. However, sometimes there are flaws in the way an experiment is set up. Usually the results in this case will match the expectations perfectly; but based on the flawed set-up they are useless.

choking, not joking

When someone’s choking – you give them the ‘hind lick, right?

choice

Don’t leave the choice to anyone else if your mind is already made up.

insects, annoying

If the annoying insects weren't so annoying, there wouldn't be so many.

green fields & co.

Twenty five guys in shorts on a green field chasing a ball. Just thinking about it makes me drowsy.

onion ring

I once thought an onion ring is where the onions fight each other. As it turns out the onion ring is actually an embalmed corpse of the onion that lost the fight.

truth

Truth seriously undermines otherwise efficient politics.

going, tough

When the going gets tough why can't we just feed it to the dog?

diets

I don't like diets. I mean, just listen to the first syllable – »die«. Says a lot, doesn't it?

prehistoric man

The prehistoric man may have seemed brave and strong, and ready to kill big animals to protect his family and provide food and furs, but in reality he simply preferred being mauled by a wild mammoth to spending too much time with his wife and her mother.

observations

Can you live in this world and not wonder?

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