messages

What do you mean ‘I haven't read your message’? It's marked as read, isn't it?

indigestion

Parts of vegetarians that cause indigestion: hair, nails, teeth, personality.

makeup

Makeup – used once or twice a year to create monsters, used the rest of the time to conceal them.

velocity

The velocity at which objects pass through the line of sight is geometrically proportional to how interesting they appear.

wound, bad

However bad a wound may be, it cannot bleed forever.

elbow, kiss

If you can kiss your own elbow, seek medical assistance immediately.

wishes, careful

Be careful what you wish for; your spouse might find out.

driving

Once you’ve decided to drive like an idiot, kindly make your intentions known by wearing a hat.

moving

Moving – the process in which numerous large and heavy objects, after being transported to the destination safely and intact, are rendered useless, resulting from a few small and light objects being lost along the way.

Halloween

On a typical Halloween there are people out there who are scarier without the mask on.

dog, eat dog

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there; except for parts of Asia where it’s a tiger-eat-man world.

worry

Live now and worry later or worry now and live never.

dog, owner

There are two types of dog owners: the sick bastards that don’t pick up after them, and the sick perverts that do.

vampire, friend

A vampire is a friend in bleed.

disappointment, bitter

Bitter disappointment: the sensation felt on the second day of working as a garbage man, a career chosen carefully after numerous and consistent observations of the fact that they only work Tuesdays.

try, hard

However hard you try, the need to try hard never ceases.

multiplicity

If multiple personalities get along really well is it still correct to call it a disorder?

tricks vs. treats

Trick-or-treat is out, trick-and-treat is in: spike the sweets with a strong laxative.

faith

Faith is good, facts are better.

hide, better not

There’s a funny game we play, me and her, called “Hide and Sick”. She hides my stuff and I think that’s sick.

horse, ride

I could never ride a horse. My mother told me not to play with food.

big

The bigger you get the more space you take up.

Norweigan winters

A few centuries ago a Norwegian man decided that making it through the winter without any broken bones was just too lame. So he went and invented skis.

wasps

Death does not render wasps harmless.

engagement ring

The engagement ring: if you’re pretty it’s a stop sign, if you’re ugly it’s the consolation prize.

apples, pick up

Pick up an apple. Pick up another apple. Then pick up yet another apple. Well, why didn’t you pick up all three at the beginning?

creation

Creation initiates use which in turn initiates creation.

languages, learn

He learned to speak 50 percent of every single language in the world; sadly it was the 50 percent that native speakers never use.

route, shortest

Standing at point A, the shortest route from A to B is to make B come to A.

loneliness

Loneliness is a luxury of the mentally sane.

apples and oranges

You can compare apples and oranges, but never assume they are the same.

rings

We've all heard of the engagement ring and the wedding ring, but not many people know that they actually refer to places. In these two places one can practice two very special martial arts.

bike, riding

Nothing is "just like riding a bike"; except riding a bike.

astronaut

How does an astronaut bring work home?

politician

The politician is one of the few "artists" who use the same tools to hurt and to heal.

metaphors

Use metaphors with care. After all, evolution never stops. Some day pigs will fly.

crab

The crab only moves sideways but still manages to get ahead.

wishes

I understand your wishes. Yes, I do. I completely understand them. I never ever forget to consider them. I just never choose to make them come true.

to impress

Short people have an almost unlimited power to impress – everything they do or know they have done or have known ever since they were little.

architects

Will architects in Northern Europe ever distinct between a stairway and a ladder?

eyes and mind

The eyes can see, the mind can think, but only the heart can understand.

roads

The road from 'I ask no one' to 'I have no one' is only too short.

submarines

Until women are allowed on submarines men will be the only members of the mile-deep club.

excuse, poor

A poor excuse that is sufficiently specific is often generously accepted as justified cause.

vegetarians, diet

I like vegetarians. Several of them constitute my daily diet.

idea, brilliant

I had a brilliant idea, but then I heard myself saying it out loud.

hair

Hair is really close to the brain; however, it needs combing at least once a day. Are hairdos really that difficult to remember?

babies

I understand babies completely. I would cry too if milk were my only food.

lion, jungle

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle/The lion sleeps tonight." What is a lion doing in the jungle anyway? Has he gone to sleep in the steppe and it mysteriously grew into a jungle overnight?

phone

When the phone rings – do you pick it up or do you answer it?

languages

The more languages you speak the bigger the writer's block.

genders

According to several surveys there are three genders, not just two as was once believed. When asked to state their sex these answers continue to be pretty consistent in any demographic: male, female and "yes, please".

animal sounds

I love animals. I love those sizzling sounds they make when they touch the pan.

vegetarians, wine

Vegetarians! Fruit flies are drawn to red wine and sometimes they drown. What do you do? What do you do?!

football

Football: too much running on the neatly cut grass can lead to this rather ridiculous physiological disorder as one or both testicles detach from their natural location and slide into the patient's abdominal cavity, and then if the running continues they slide downwards ending up at his feet. If both testicles end up on one foot, this disorder is also known as the off-side.

answers

All the answers are out there but have no real purpose without the questions.

wedding organizer

A wedding organizer has a great many tasks – dressing and color-coordinating the bride, the groom, the bride’s maids and the best man, taking care of the caterer, having the parking under control, keeping the wedding cake safe and cool, and most importantly – fitting steel bars to the bathroom windows.

hand, steady

I know a man with an extremely steady hand. He's a surgeon, actually. If you look at his hand for some time, it seems as if the entire room is shaking. That's how steady it is.

internet, wisdom

The Internet is an infinite source of wisdom when the wise are logged on.

engineering

I guess I'll never be a successful engineer. After looking at the blue prints of a cat-scan for two hours I still couldn’t figure out where to put the cat.

disease

Disease is nature’s way of saying “I don’t like you.”

tasks, mundane

Whenever a mundane task becomes enjoyable you can be quite sure it’s nearing its end, and when the level of joy just about hits rock bottom you can be quite sure another is about to begin.

basketball

Basketball: as a symptom or the consequence of certain illnesses one or both testicles can grow considerably, thus enabling storage of various items, such as the other testicle.

poets

Many great poets compare sex to many beautiful things instead of having it.

dogs, talk

Some people talk to dogs. They actually do. They're convinced that dogs understand them. So, why don't they tell them to shut up and stop shitting on the pavements?

baseball

Baseball: the testicle all other testicles are based on.

egg? chicken?

Scientists have been arguing about the egg and the chicken for so long they completely neglected the real issue – what came first: the cigar cutter or the guillotine.

statues and figures

The statue representing a spokesperson is a figure of speech, right?

cars

It has been said many times that the French car builders copy German cars, but in order to be less obvious they copy older models. That would certainly explain why a brand new French car sounds just like a twenty year old German car.

facelifts

She's had so many facelifts done that by now her fingerprints have been stretched all the way up to her shoulders.

ambidexterity

I'm ambidextrous, but only when I type.

summers, hot

Do not blame God for making summers hot; thank Him for the stuff we can barbecue.

fair treatment

»Accept me for who I am, don't try to change me«, pleaded the chain saw murderer.

experiments

When an experiment is set up perfectly, frequently the results will not match the expectations; rendering the entire attempt useless. However, sometimes there are flaws in the way an experiment is set up. Usually the results in this case will match the expectations perfectly; but based on the flawed set-up they are useless.

choking, not joking

When someone’s choking – you give them the ‘hind lick, right?

choice

Don’t leave the choice to anyone else if your mind is already made up.

insects, annoying

If the annoying insects weren't so annoying, there wouldn't be so many.

green fields & co.

Twenty five guys in shorts on a green field chasing a ball. Just thinking about it makes me drowsy.

onion ring

I once thought an onion ring is where the onions fight each other. As it turns out the onion ring is actually an embalmed corpse of the onion that lost the fight.

truth

Truth seriously undermines otherwise efficient politics.

going, tough

When the going gets tough why can't we just feed it to the dog?

diets

I don't like diets. I mean, just listen to the first syllable – »die«. Says a lot, doesn't it?

prehistoric man

The prehistoric man may have seemed brave and strong, and ready to kill big animals to protect his family and provide food and furs, but in reality he simply preferred being mauled by a wild mammoth to spending too much time with his wife and her mother.

two nurses & co.

Take two nurses, a rubber hose and a bucket of soap, and you've got drainage a trois.

time, curved

Have I taken out the trash? Time is curved, I guess I have.

friend or foe?

If my friend’s friend is my enemy then I guess my friend is my enemy. And if my friend’s enemy is my friend then, again, my friend is my enemy. However, if my enemy’s friend is my friend then my enemy is my friend.

opinion, respect

I can respect your opinion and still choose not to follow it.

time, have

If you ask me if I have the time, don’t be mad if I say yes.

translation

Before asking for a translation rotate the piece of paper a few times.

the dark side

Never join the dark side. That only helps the good side win.

clowns

One bitten by a clown is even afraid of lipstick.

apocalypse

If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signify the end of the World, then if there's only one or two, maybe even three of them approaching from the horizon we have nothing to worry about, right?

walls

Whenever she’s in another room, it feels as if there’s a wall between us.

the sun

According to today’s top scientists the safest way to look at the sun is with your eyes closed.

running

If my running was any better I wouldn’t have to pay for everything.

fire and water

He who plays with water will get wet, he who plays with fire will get burned, but he who plays with fire and water is just annoying.

television

After being brain-washed by the television the usual practice is to rinse and repeat.

head through the wall

Before going with your head through the wall it is good practice to find a big enough hole in the wall. A doorway usually does the trick.

death, end?

Death may not be the end, but for tax purposes let us *please* agree that it is.

relational models

One relational model scares any database developer – the in-laws.

the human mind

The human mind is both - the problem and the solution.

scary

In an amusement park once, the contractors have – purely as a result of miscommunication – built the Halloween horror ride backwards. The train entered at the end and came out at the beginning. Now, *that* was scary.

democracy

Democracy is all about the freedom of speech, the right to education, and free will, that’s why keeping a harem is very difficult in a democracy.

socks

The harder one tries to pair up socks, the sooner one arrives at one of two options: either ending up with one sock with no pair or ending up with two socks that cannot ever constitute a pair.

choke or joke?

A choke and a joke have one thing in common – no good in keeping either to yourself.

clock ticking

Whenever you hear the clock tick, you’re not doing your job.

black holes

Some black holes may really be entrances to other worlds, but sadly most black holes are just entrances to a world of shit.

door

When there’s someone at the door – do you get it or do you let them in?

work, good

Do not grieve if other people do not recognize your good work, grieve if other people recognize your bad work.

virtue

I believe every man should develop as much virtue as he can and just as much vice for balance.

four walls

Life inside four walls may be dull, but without the walls you can’t stop the ceiling from falling on your head.

stress-relief

There are two successful methods of stress-relief – cooking and eating. Unfortunately there is one very certain stress inducing method – shopping. Figure out how to do the first and the second without doing the third, and you’re set for life.

computer bugs

One way to get rid of programming bugs is to somehow make them seem useful.

sharks

Sharks never eat people. In fact they are much like us – very inquisitive, and they simply compensate for the lack of fingers by using teeth.

animals, love

I love animals. I keep many different species. In my freezer, mostly.

a pen or a sword?

The pen is mightier than the sword – try boarding a plane carrying a sword.

computers

98 % of all problems solved by computers originate in computers.

dogs, good

The good thing about dogs is that they don't have wings. This way looking down is enough to avoid what they leave behind.

my difficult name

It's difficult to remember my name. I know. It took me several years to learn it.

realism

Realism is humor without the fun bits.

mattresses

Give me a big enough mattress and I'll jump off any tall building!

dogs, concept of time

Dogs have a great concept of time, it’s also highly dynamic – some might say chaotic.

improvisers

An improviser is one who makes mistakes consistently.

heavy drinking

I am not a heavy drinker. Seventy-some kilos in body weight is not that heavy.

french wine

French wine tastes fantastic until you drink it.

books, use

I find little use of books. I don’t own a fireplace.

gravel

The sound of gravel hitting the coffin is best heard on the outside.

swimming

I can swim, but I focus on not having to.