Thursday, August 20, 2015


What do you mean ‘I haven't read your message’? It's marked as read, isn't it?

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Parts of vegetarians that cause indigestion: hair, nails, teeth, personality.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Makeup – used once or twice a year to create monsters, used the rest of the time to conceal them.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


The velocity at which objects pass through the line of sight is geometrically proportional to how interesting they appear.

Friday, November 25, 2011

wound, bad

However bad a wound may be, it cannot bleed forever.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

elbow, kiss

If you can kiss your own elbow, seek medical assistance immediately.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

wishes, careful

Be careful what you wish for; your spouse might find out.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Once you’ve decided to drive like an idiot, kindly make your intentions known by wearing a hat.

Thursday, June 02, 2011


Moving – the process in which numerous large and heavy objects, after being transported to the destination safely and intact, are rendered useless, resulting from a few small and light objects being lost along the way.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


On a typical Halloween there are people out there who are scarier without the mask on.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

dog, eat dog

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there; except for parts of Asia where it’s a tiger-eat-man world.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Live now and worry later or worry now and live never.

Friday, January 15, 2010

dog, owner

There are two types of dog owners: the sick bastards that don’t pick up after them, and the sick perverts that do.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Thursday, November 26, 2009

disappointment, bitter

Bitter disappointment: the sensation felt on the second day of working as a garbage man, a career chosen carefully after numerous and consistent observations of the fact that they only work Tuesdays.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

try, hard

However hard you try, the need to try hard never ceases.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009


If multiple personalities get along really well is it still correct to call it a disorder?

Friday, October 31, 2008

tricks vs. treats

Trick-or-treat is out, trick-and-treat is in: spike the sweets with a strong laxative.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Monday, March 17, 2008

hide, better not

There’s a funny game we play, me and her, called “Hide and Sick”. She hides my stuff and I think that’s sick.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

horse, ride

I could never ride a horse. My mother told me not to play with food.

Thursday, January 10, 2008


The bigger you get the more space you take up.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Norweigan winters

A few centuries ago a Norwegian man decided that making it through the winter without any broken bones was just too lame. So he went and invented skis.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Friday, August 24, 2007

engagement ring

The engagement ring: if you’re pretty it’s a stop sign, if you’re ugly it’s the consolation prize.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

apples, pick up

Pick up an apple. Pick up another apple. Then pick up yet another apple. Well, why didn’t you pick up all three at the beginning?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Creation initiates use which in turn initiates creation.

Friday, May 18, 2007

languages, learn

He learned to speak 50 percent of every single language in the world; sadly it was the 50 percent that native speakers never use.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

route, shortest

Standing at point A, the shortest route from A to B is to make B come to A.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

apples and oranges

You can compare apples and oranges, but never assume they are the same.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


We've all heard of the engagement ring and the wedding ring, but not many people know that they actually refer to places. In these two places one can practice two very special martial arts.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

bike, riding

Nothing is "just like riding a bike"; except riding a bike.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Wednesday, January 31, 2007


The politician is one of the few "artists" who use the same tools to hurt and to heal.

Friday, January 19, 2007


Use metaphors with care. After all, evolution never stops. Some day pigs will fly.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


The crab only moves sideways but still manages to get ahead.

Friday, January 12, 2007


I understand your wishes. Yes, I do. I completely understand them. I never ever forget to consider them. I just never choose to make them come true.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

to impress

Short people have an almost unlimited power to impress – everything they do or know they have done or have known ever since they were little.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


Will architects in Northern Europe ever distinct between a stairway and a ladder?

Thursday, December 28, 2006

eyes and mind

The eyes can see, the mind can think, but only the heart can understand.

Friday, December 22, 2006


The road from 'I ask no one' to 'I have no one' is only too short.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Until women are allowed on submarines men will be the only members of the mile-deep club.

Friday, December 15, 2006

excuse, poor

A poor excuse that is sufficiently specific is often generously accepted as justified cause.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

vegetarians, diet

I like vegetarians. Several of them constitute my daily diet.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

idea, brilliant

I had a brilliant idea, but then I heard myself saying it out loud.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Hair is really close to the brain; however, it needs combing at least once a day. Are hairdos really that difficult to remember?

Thursday, November 23, 2006


I understand babies completely. I would cry too if milk were my only food.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

lion, jungle

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle/The lion sleeps tonight." What is a lion doing in the jungle anyway? Has he gone to sleep in the steppe and it mysteriously grew into a jungle overnight?

Sunday, November 12, 2006


When the phone rings – do you pick it up or do you answer it?

Monday, October 23, 2006


The more languages you speak the bigger the writer's block.

Friday, October 13, 2006


According to several surveys there are three genders, not just two as was once believed. When asked to state their sex these answers continue to be pretty consistent in any demographic: male, female and "yes, please".

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

animal sounds

I love animals. I love those sizzling sounds they make when they touch the pan.

Monday, October 02, 2006

vegetarians, wine

Vegetarians! Fruit flies are drawn to red wine and sometimes they drown. What do you do? What do you do?!

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Football: too much running on the neatly cut grass can lead to this rather ridiculous physiological disorder as one or both testicles detach from their natural location and slide into the patient's abdominal cavity, and then if the running continues they slide downwards ending up at his feet. If both testicles end up on one foot, this disorder is also known as the off-side.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


All the answers are out there but have no real purpose without the questions.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

wedding organizer

A wedding organizer has a great many tasks – dressing and color-coordinating the bride, the groom, the bride’s maids and the best man, taking care of the caterer, having the parking under control, keeping the wedding cake safe and cool, and most importantly – fitting steel bars to the bathroom windows.

Monday, September 11, 2006

hand, steady

I know a man with an extremely steady hand. He's a surgeon, actually. If you look at his hand for some time, it seems as if the entire room is shaking. That's how steady it is.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

internet, wisdom

The Internet is an infinite source of wisdom when the wise are logged on.

Monday, September 04, 2006


I guess I'll never be a successful engineer. After looking at the blue prints of a cat-scan for two hours I still couldn’t figure out where to put the cat.

Thursday, August 31, 2006


Disease is nature’s way of saying “I don’t like you.”

Monday, August 28, 2006

tasks, mundane

Whenever a mundane task becomes enjoyable you can be quite sure it’s nearing its end, and when the level of joy just about hits rock bottom you can be quite sure another is about to begin.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Basketball: as a symptom or the consequence of certain illnesses one or both testicles can grow considerably, thus enabling storage of various items, such as the other testicle.

Monday, August 21, 2006


Many great poets compare sex to many beautiful things instead of having it.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

dogs, talk

Some people talk to dogs. They actually do. They're convinced that dogs understand them. So, why don't they tell them to shut up and stop shitting on the pavements?

Saturday, August 12, 2006


Baseball: the testicle all other testicles are based on.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

egg? chicken?

Scientists have been arguing about the egg and the chicken for so long they completely neglected the real issue – what came first: the cigar cutter or the guillotine.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

statues and figures

The statue representing a spokesperson is a figure of speech, right?

Sunday, July 30, 2006


It has been said many times that the French car builders copy German cars, but in order to be less obvious they copy older models. That would certainly explain why a brand new French car sounds just like a twenty year old German car.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


She's had so many facelifts done that by now her fingerprints have been stretched all the way up to her shoulders.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Friday, July 14, 2006

summers, hot

Do not blame God for making summers hot; thank Him for the stuff we can barbecue.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

fair treatment

»Accept me for who I am, don't try to change me«, pleaded the chain saw murderer.

Monday, July 10, 2006


When an experiment is set up perfectly, frequently the results will not match the expectations; rendering the entire attempt useless. However, sometimes there are flaws in the way an experiment is set up. Usually the results in this case will match the expectations perfectly; but based on the flawed set-up they are useless.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

choking, not joking

When someone’s choking – you give them the ‘hind lick, right?

Thursday, June 29, 2006


Don’t leave the choice to anyone else if your mind is already made up.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

insects, annoying

If the annoying insects weren't so annoying, there wouldn't be so many.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

green fields & co.

Twenty five guys in shorts on a green field chasing a ball. Just thinking about it makes me drowsy.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

onion ring

I once thought an onion ring is where the onions fight each other. As it turns out the onion ring is actually an embalmed corpse of the onion that lost the fight.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Truth seriously undermines otherwise efficient politics.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

going, tough

When the going gets tough why can't we just feed it to the dog?

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


I don't like diets. I mean, just listen to the first syllable – »die«. Says a lot, doesn't it?

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

prehistoric man

The prehistoric man may have seemed brave and strong, and ready to kill big animals to protect his family and provide food and furs, but in reality he simply preferred being mauled by a wild mammoth to spending too much time with his wife and her mother.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

two nurses & co.

Take two nurses, a rubber hose and a bucket of soap, and you've got drainage a trois.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

time, curved

Have I taken out the trash? Time is curved, I guess I have.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

friend or foe?

If my friend’s friend is my enemy then I guess my friend is my enemy. And if my friend’s enemy is my friend then, again, my friend is my enemy. However, if my enemy’s friend is my friend then my enemy is my friend.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

opinion, respect

I can respect your opinion and still choose not to follow it.

Friday, April 14, 2006

time, have

If you ask me if I have the time, don’t be mad if I say yes.


Before asking for a translation rotate the piece of paper a few times.

the dark side

Never join the dark side. That only helps the good side win.


One bitten by a clown is even afraid of lipstick.


If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signify the end of the World, then if there's only one or two, maybe even three of them approaching from the horizon we have nothing to worry about, right?


Whenever she’s in another room, it feels as if there’s a wall between us.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

the sun

According to today’s top scientists the safest way to look at the sun is with your eyes closed.


If my running was any better I wouldn’t have to pay for everything.

fire and water

He who plays with water will get wet, he who plays with fire will get burned, but he who plays with fire and water is just annoying.


After being brain-washed by the television the usual practice is to rinse and repeat.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

head through the wall

Before going with your head through the wall it is good practice to find a big enough hole in the wall. A doorway usually does the trick.

death, end?

Death may not be the end, but for tax purposes let us *please* agree that it is.

relational models

One relational model scares any database developer – the in-laws.

the human mind

The human mind is both - the problem and the solution.


In an amusement park once, the contractors have – purely as a result of miscommunication – built the Halloween horror ride backwards. The train entered at the end and came out at the beginning. Now, *that* was scary.


Democracy is all about the freedom of speech, the right to education, and free will, that’s why keeping a harem is very difficult in a democracy.


The harder one tries to pair up socks, the sooner one arrives at one of two options: either ending up with one sock with no pair or ending up with two socks that cannot ever constitute a pair.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

choke or joke?

A choke and a joke have one thing in common – no good in keeping either to yourself.

clock ticking

Whenever you hear the clock tick, you’re not doing your job.

black holes

Some black holes may really be entrances to other worlds, but sadly most black holes are just entrances to a world of shit.


When there’s someone at the door – do you get it or do you let them in?

work, good

Do not grieve if other people do not recognize your good work, grieve if other people recognize your bad work.


I believe every man should develop as much virtue as he can and just as much vice for balance.

four walls

Life inside four walls may be dull, but without the walls you can’t stop the ceiling from falling on your head.


There are two successful methods of stress-relief – cooking and eating. Unfortunately there is one very certain stress inducing method – shopping. Figure out how to do the first and the second without doing the third, and you’re set for life.

computer bugs

One way to get rid of programming bugs is to somehow make them seem useful.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Sharks never eat people. In fact they are much like us – very inquisitive, and they simply compensate for the lack of fingers by using teeth.

animals, love

I love animals. I keep many different species. In my freezer, mostly.

a pen or a sword?

The pen is mightier than the sword – try boarding a plane carrying a sword.


98 % of all problems solved by computers originate in computers.

dogs, good

The good thing about dogs is that they don't have wings. This way looking down is enough to avoid what they leave behind.

my difficult name

It's difficult to remember my name. I know. It took me several years to learn it.


Realism is humor without the fun bits.

Monday, January 16, 2006


Give me a big enough mattress and I'll jump off any tall building!

dogs, concept of time

Dogs have a great concept of time, it’s also highly dynamic – some might say chaotic.


An improviser is one who makes mistakes consistently.

heavy drinking

I am not a heavy drinker. Seventy-some kilos in body weight is not that heavy.

french wine

French wine tastes fantastic until you drink it.

books, use

I find little use of books. I don’t own a fireplace.


The sound of gravel hitting the coffin is best heard on the outside.


I can swim, but I focus on not having to.