opinion, respect

I can respect your opinion and still choose not to follow it.

time, have

If you ask me if I have the time, don’t be mad if I say yes.

translation

Before asking for a translation rotate the piece of paper a few times.

the dark side

Never join the dark side. That only helps the good side win.

clowns

One bitten by a clown is even afraid of lipstick.

apocalypse

If the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signify the end of the World, then if there's only one or two, maybe even three of them approaching from the horizon we have nothing to worry about, right?

walls

Whenever she’s in another room, it feels as if there’s a wall between us.

the sun

According to today’s top scientists the safest way to look at the sun is with your eyes closed.

running

If my running was any better I wouldn’t have to pay for everything.

fire and water

He who plays with water will get wet, he who plays with fire will get burned, but he who plays with fire and water is just annoying.

television

After being brain-washed by the television the usual practice is to rinse and repeat.

head through the wall

Before going with your head through the wall it is good practice to find a big enough hole in the wall. A doorway usually does the trick.

death, end?

Death may not be the end, but for tax purposes let us *please* agree that it is.

relational models

One relational model scares any database developer – the in-laws.

the human mind

The human mind is both - the problem and the solution.

scary

In an amusement park once, the contractors have – purely as a result of miscommunication – built the Halloween horror ride backwards. The train entered at the end and came out at the beginning. Now, *that* was scary.

democracy

Democracy is all about the freedom of speech, the right to education, and free will, that’s why keeping a harem is very difficult in a democracy.

socks

The harder one tries to pair up socks, the sooner one arrives at one of two options: either ending up with one sock with no pair or ending up with two socks that cannot ever constitute a pair.

choke or joke?

A choke and a joke have one thing in common – no good in keeping either to yourself.

clock ticking

Whenever you hear the clock tick, you’re not doing your job.

black holes

Some black holes may really be entrances to other worlds, but sadly most black holes are just entrances to a world of shit.

door

When there’s someone at the door – do you get it or do you let them in?

work, good

Do not grieve if other people do not recognize your good work, grieve if other people recognize your bad work.

virtue

I believe every man should develop as much virtue as he can and just as much vice for balance.

four walls

Life inside four walls may be dull, but without the walls you can’t stop the ceiling from falling on your head.

stress-relief

There are two successful methods of stress-relief – cooking and eating. Unfortunately there is one very certain stress inducing method – shopping. Figure out how to do the first and the second without doing the third, and you’re set for life.

computer bugs

One way to get rid of programming bugs is to somehow make them seem useful.

sharks

Sharks never eat people. In fact they are much like us – very inquisitive, and they simply compensate for the lack of fingers by using teeth.

animals, love

I love animals. I keep many different species. In my freezer, mostly.

a pen or a sword?

The pen is mightier than the sword – try boarding a plane carrying a sword.

computers

98 % of all problems solved by computers originate in computers.

dogs, good

The good thing about dogs is that they don't have wings. This way looking down is enough to avoid what they leave behind.

my difficult name

It's difficult to remember my name. I know. It took me several years to learn it.

realism

Realism is humor without the fun bits.

mattresses

Give me a big enough mattress and I'll jump off any tall building!

dogs, concept of time

Dogs have a great concept of time, it’s also highly dynamic – some might say chaotic.

improvisers

An improviser is one who makes mistakes consistently.

heavy drinking

I am not a heavy drinker. Seventy-some kilos in body weight is not that heavy.

french wine

French wine tastes fantastic until you drink it.

books, use

I find little use of books. I don’t own a fireplace.

gravel

The sound of gravel hitting the coffin is best heard on the outside.

swimming

I can swim, but I focus on not having to.